"Boys will be boys"...??
We learn about being a man firstly from our fathers, and from other boys as we grow up. But we are also learning from the society and culture we are born into.. So what does our society expect men to be? In our patriarchal culture, what is it like to be a patriarchal man?
Being a Patriarchal Man
We don't really consider what it's like being a man, for the men themselves, and we really do need to, for a host of reasons!
We know it's not a bed of roses for the women in their lives. High levels of physical violence and aggression, sexual abuse and rape, power-over misogyny, bullying and unfair treatment across both work and home life..
It would be fair to say men are not behaving well - they are in fact behaving badly!
And it's increasingly clear that men are not doing very well either. High rates of suicide, of loneliness, and mental health crises, relationship breakdowns, homelessness and crime all point to men struggling.. It is also evident in the growing addictions men feel, whether it's to porn and sex, gambling, gaming, or the gym, maybe to cars, tools or even to work. These all show us that men are aren't doing well with the current operating system - they are actually doing badly!
There's something about the gender roles that aren't working for men, that oppress men, keeping us boxed in, shamed and wounded, and stuck; no wonder men seem to be angry, frustrated, lost and lonely!
It's something men need liberating from, and it's sometimes called the man box. This is the very clear and strictly followed rules which define what is acceptable, manly, masculine.. and what isn't allowed.
Boys don't cry
or dance.. or sing..
Boys are tough.
brave and heroic.
Get the job done!
Provide for others..
but don't look after yourself!
Men are not allowed to have feelings, except anger or shame. Women have all the feelings, men have all the control.
Men are expected to be in control - of them selves, and of everyone else too - in control of their women, children, the environment (at home as well as globally!), their work (be a success!), be high achievers always getting it right, in life, sex, leadership, sport....
This is asking a lot!!
..so what's it like then ? - What's it like on the inside, being a man?
What effect does it have, this socialisation men experience from Day 1.. ?
What happens is that we become patriarchal men.. the foot-soldiers and enforcers of Patriarchy
We become susceptible to a perverse version of being a man, often called 'toxic masculinity', where we act out the hurt we are feeling.
Pressure - men in the street tell me being a man is all about "getting the job done".. providing for others, and paying little attention to our own needs or dreams.
Shame - The common belief that 'all men are bastards!'.. 'little boys are made of slugs and snails..', and men are just urgh - not nice is deep and often expressed, which men notice and are shamed by..
Loneliness - Unable to express themselves effectively, and particularly about how they feel, keeps men feeling disconnected and powerless in their own lives. Men don't open up, don't talk, don't express how they are, who they are or what they need or want to be..
Competition - between men, makes other men unsafe.. not to be trusted.. and keeps us isolated and fearful, and totally alone with our worries and problems as sharing these would provoke so much shame.
Violence - Society batters men, allows them to be killed routinely, without caring - violence to ourselves and towards others is normal.
Unvalued - unappreciated for all men do and provide, as well as the lack of caring for men, how they fare, or why they act bad..
Where in all this is the beauty and divine in being a man?