How can men heal the wounds we carry if we don't know what these are or where they come from? How can we explain ourselves if we never mention what is going on for us? How can we expect understanding and support unless there is good communication, and that includes clear and honest details?
Especially in what was called the 'war of the sexes' we need to understand each other to be able to build bridges, heal hurts, and start ending the huge damage we are all suffering.
One of the things that keeps coming up for me around doing men's work, is a sense that women really have little idea of just what it's like to be a man. Now obviously none of us know what it's like to be some one else, and that's particularly true if that someone is a different gender.. but it's more than that. I feel I do have a sense of what women think and feel, what their concerns and fears are, and even their dreams and aspirations; we now hear a lot on the different media channels about women's issues and their experiences.. at least enough for me to be able to claim that I do have a sense of what it may be like for women, to be a woman.. superficially.
But I really don't feel that women have a sense of what it's like for men; they themselves often admit that they don't understand men, or why men behave they ways they do.. Women may well feel that they do actually know what men are like, from their experiences, just as I might claim to know about being a woman a bit.. but I don't think they do.
Women don't know, because men don't tell them! Men don't tell women what it is really like being a man.. whereas women have done a pretty good job of explaining and describing what they think and feel, though there may be an issue how well us men are able to assimilate their stories!
But women don't know because men don't tell them. And men don't tell them, because men don't explore, consider, talk about them selves.. what's inside, their personal thoughts and feelings. Men are often great at talking, explaining and analysing everything outside them selves.. how it all works, what to do, how to get there, and so on.. but not what's under their bonnets!
In fact growing up to be a man in this society involves learning not to look under the bonnet. Men don't do feelings (except anger maybe), they shouldn't be sensitive, in touch with their hearts. Being a man is really a lot about denying those feelings - being brave (ignore fear), being tough (ignore self-care), being heroic (ignore self preservation), being a leader, successful, competitive (do NOT trust, be open, share with other men). So to a large extent men today struggle to know what's going on for them, or for the other men around them.
On International Men's Day 2019 (before lockdown), we asked men "what's it like being a man?" The men who were willing to stop and talk, mostly seemed baffled at first - "What? - Dunno, ...well you just get on with it.." and even ".. never really thought about it!"
So if we never really think about it, if we are expected to not think about it, this all makes it very difficult for us to then tell others, tell women, what it's like for us being men; and particularly being a man in the ways we have been brought up to be! It also makes it difficult being such a man, and very difficult being able to choose to be the man we'd like to be, particularly when we haven't a clue what that might look like.
So as men we need to explore our experiences; we need to learn to share our stories with each other. We need to celebrate the good stuff, and also be honest and open about what hurts, what doesn't work, what is wrong. We need to learn from each other, listen to other men, and listen to our selves.. our inner selves - or at least start trying to, because we need to know all this to be able to make any of it better. But above all we need to explore! Explore our feelings, explore our lives, explore our bodies, explore sex and sensuality, explore grief and joy, explore what dreams we might have, and who we would want to be if ever we were truly free to be just whoever and whatever we wanted.
I realise this is going against the rules - it's not what we are used to doing. It's going to be hard and often will even feel a bit scary, but with practice and helping each other along the way (something else we may find difficult), it gets easier, makes more sense, and before long gets to feel good and enjoyable, doing as nature intended.
Men, we need to write ourselves into the picture, tell our stories, talk our truths, be honest and clear about who we are, and who we want to be. But it's not just for ourselves that we need to change the story, its to clear up that fog that stops all of us being seen for who we are and want to be. And we must do this to be able to tell women who we are, otherwise we cannot do the dance of life with them, and will just end up frustrated, lashing out at these women who so want to dance with us.
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