Autumn is a time of endings, things dying, nature falling apart. Traditional wisdom has it that between Halloween and New Year, the veil between this world and the next, between life and death, is at its thinnest - it is seen as a time for tending to our grief, in a healthy manner. But what does that mean to me, as a man?
When it feels like it's all too much, when the tears are close to breaking out.. we are often advised to "pull yourself together", rather than falling into the grief we may be starting to feel. But what happens if we don't allow ourselves to do grief? And for men in particular, how the hell do we do it when it goes against so much of being manly!?
Grief guru Francis Weller (and many others) explain how grief and joy are both sides of the same coin - you can't have one without the other. If we don't allow grief to flow, to experience our sadness fully then we dull our capacity for joy, becoming numb and remote from the ups and downs that are part of being fully alive.
But boys are trained by convention to suppress their feelings and most of all, 'don't cry'! Big boys don't.. pull yourself together, ..even 'man-up'. We learn to bottle it up; bury any feelings of hurt, sadness, tears and grief - don't complain, don't feel that sadness; that's girlie, weak, babyish.. pathetic. This is core masculinity stuff, learnt very young by everything we see and are told.. heroes never cry - they may get angry, that's one feeling men ARE allowed! I can cry for a wee moment, but pretty quickly it evaporates, leaving me feeling numb and a bit lost.
Grieving is all about falling apart, coming un-done; it's messy, ugly, snotty, lots of tears and wailing.. weak, with arms flopping, even falling to the floor, rolling around and then burrowing back into the cosiness of the duvet! SO un-manly. Men don't fall apart - we stay strong, together and firm. Nothing floppy or weak here! 'Pull yourself together - you'll upset people' we say. And so we do.
None of which is good news then for our being able to be full of the joys of life. I'd say, looking at the faces of men in the street.. frowning, unsmiling, harsh and full of stern action.. there's not a lot of joy, real plain ol' joy going on around for us guys. Which is not good news, obviously!
And it's going to be a biggie to change this.. the habits are well set, and pretty universal. Growing up a boy involves giving up on showing any feelings, that aren't anger. And what's worse is that to be effective, feelings need to be shared. Humans are social animals, and we do best when we do it with others witnessing, supporting, and sharing. That's true for sadness too - we need to be held while we cry, heard when we wail; we need to say how hurt we feel, how much we are missing.. and that's so hard for men - because the one thing we mustn't do is show ourselves up in front of other men. I might get away with showing feelings with a woman friend or partner, but the habits of competition, which govern how we relate to other men and which we use to judge ourselves by too, mean that expressing weaknesses such as tears (particularly snotty tears) in front of other men is not going to come easily.
But thankfully things are changing.. and we are learning just how toxic this strict definition of manliness is! We are getting better.. I am getting better; practicing.. letting a few tears out, and praising such achievement when I succeed. And understanding the reasons behind this blockage is all important too! It gives me the confidence to want to keep trying, to allow myself to come undone a little, to sink into the sadness. Using words, phrases, breathing into them helps, maybe kneading a pillow as I repeat "you went away, you left me; I didn't want to be left.. I didn't want to be left.." and just seeing where it goes.
We do need to feel and express our sadnesses and our hurts, to be able to look after them, to carry them without having to bottle up and close our selves down; I'm learning that feeling my sadness, and sharing this grief with others isn't something I need to fear or feel shamed by; it feels important, full of respect for what I am sad about, or have lost, and it's actually ok after all. And later I even notice a sense of relief, lightness, and dare I say it.. even joy.
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