The 'This Ends Now' initiative was founded by a couple of women recently following a string of sexual assaults in and around my home town, Stroud in Gloucestershire.
Their goal? To end sexual violence against women and girls. Something I expect anyone would support. They remind us how prevalent such attacks are, still.. and the fear that all women have to learn to live with as a result.
How? They want the law to do better, the media to do better, and particularly for men to step up. This last bit seems to suggest that it's something women feel men aren't doing - stepping up, taking responsibility, doing what's needed. Taking it seriously!
It is definitely time we found a way forward, and that means getting to the heart of what is behind this terrible blight on women's lives.
I am walking along a footpath near my home, it's quiet here at 8 o'clock in the morning, occasional joggers or a dog-walker, cyclist heading to work maybe.. often I see no one. Today I see a woman walking towards me. I am now more conscious how this might feel for her, and have read the 'How can men help women feel safer' piece which asks me not to take it personally that she may well feel threatened, and I don't.. But I do feel grief. I am sad that my presence there seems to unsettle her, and I notice she moves off the path with her dog even though I avoid making any eye contact and pass as widely as possible. I don't want to be a cause for fear; I want my sisters, daughters, all women to be able to go out freely and enjoy their world safely and openly. I'd like to be able to say 'hello' as I pass - I was brought up to be friendly in the countryside and it feels odd pretending I haven't seen her. But I especially want women and girls to be safe; to not be raped, attacked, or sexually assaulted. I am again shocked and saddened at the recent reports of a rape and also another sexual assault here in Stroud. How many others have there been which weren't reported, or were, but just didn't make it into the media? How ever many, these two are two too many, so I can understand women wanting to do something, and therefore organising the This Ends Now Protest March on Saturday 17th September.
Gender based violence is one of the faces of the abuse we suffer in this patriarchal system.
Patriarchy is all about abuse, a hierarchy of abuse. Men over women, rich over poor, white over black, humans over animals, nature, the environment.. It is a self supporting system - we are all part of it and all somehow play our part to sustain it and propagate it. Patriarchy abuses men, men abuse women, rich abuse poor and so on; and so we need to learn how this all works, challenge it in ourselves and each other, so we can undo and change, moving into a healthier system which isn't going to kill us all!
Rape and any form of gender-based violence is certainly terrible and totally unacceptable. But focusing on punishing the rapist achieves little apart from removing one man from the streets - it doesn't address the problem. And surely the problem is why does a man carry out such an awful act. It's a question we do not seem to ever ask - what happened to that men, these men, that turns the innocent boy into a man able to carry such evil? Men are not born rapists, they might become one though - that is the issue. Just as a school bully is acting out their childhood trauma, the rapists, stalkers, gropers, oglers, misogynists, women haters are acting out the abuse of the patriarchal conditioning in which we raise boys and girls, and treat men and women in our society.
Looking at the dynamics built into our gender system is not only a good start but is the right place to start. It is without doubt a massive task; it covers everything in how we treat boys and girls, and goes alongside exploring how we treat people generally, black and white, rich and poor, global northerners and southerners, and then extends to our relationship with nature and the world we are living in. Until we do this work we will continue to exploit, and dominate, and eventually extinguish more and more of this beautiful and unique planet - our home.
Addressing gender based violence as This Must End aims to do is a hugely important step in the right direction, so let's make a start here. There are a whole host of toxic expectations built into our gendered system which we are only just beginning to understand and take responsibility for, both for men and women; and exploring how we can resolve these, learning how they impact both sexes, all genders, and how to heal the harm we each carry as a result requires us sharing our experiences as men and women.
One of these issues is that amongst other things, women are brought up to want/need to be 'attractive'.. and men are likewise brought up to be 'attracted'. From a man's point of view this can sometimes feel like moths to a flame.. next time you see a pretty woman walking in town, look around at the men - they are all looking at her.. staring, often with a sense of longing. It's a power dynamic, that we need to challenge as it doesn't do any of us any good.
I cannot imagine what it's like for young women, girls even, walking about on the receiving end of so many hungry gazes and stares.. everywhere she goes. That's not a comfortable position to find yourself.. maybe there's sometimes a sense of power or attractiveness, but surely not comfortable to be so watched and even devoured by so many eyes.
And it's not comfortable for the men too. Because when a man gives so much attention and longing to, or at a woman, he is giving away some of his power - I notice I become more needy, wanting, and am less connected to being myself, which creates stress. At heart what we really want is not to feel stressed, but to feel good, safe, and that we matter. Yes, we can try to get this from a woman, to feel acceptance and love, making up for what we probably missed to some degree in our childhood relationship with Mum/Dad and the harsh societal expectations piled on us to be a real man. Or we can choose, and learn to give it to ourselves!
So avoid staring a women, at least for more than 2 seconds - that's enough to go 'ah, lovely..' and then look away - I notice I then feel a lot less stressed and able to stay in 'me'. I need to learn to remind myself that I accept myself fully and totally, and that I matter, that I love myself. It is challenging to do this.. all my masculine training and experiences tells me I'm talking rubbish, I need to get this from a woman for it to be meaningful, but it works! It is liberating.. and it stops me ogling women and then feeling hungry, desperate for 'it'.
As one area where men can 'step up', take it seriously, this isn't going to solve all the gender violence problems and undo patriarchy, but it's a start. And when we do learn to look after ourselves, to accept and nurture our selves, then we are ready and able to have meaningful relationships with women, which might be sexual or otherwise, but would be based on mutual respect and desire rather than longing, powerlessness, resentment and even coercion. This can then lead to respectful relationships with other peoples, with nature, and especially with ourselves.
Stopping gender based violence is about healing ourselves. For all of us. Come along on the 17th.. proud, healing and courageous, to stand against this patriarchal masculinity which pits men against women so harmfully - let's 'step up' for us all.
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ManCelebrating is about Patriarchy, gender stereotypes and how this impacts men.
It explores what happens to men in our society that leaves so many having to live with
a toxic sense of masculinity, which blights their lives and of those they live with.
ManCelebrating is about recognising the wonderful, lovely, and awesome nature of
boys and men, and aims for Men's Liberation into a healthier and happier life.
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